What We Learned From the Kavanaugh Hearings

By Eric Segall

If you didn't have time to spend 12 hours a day and night watching the Judge Brett Coach K Kavanagh hearings no worries I am here for you. Ten take always:

1) The first Kavanaugh Rule of Confirmation Hearings is never, ever, no matter what, no matter how important, talk about current events, unless they involve girls' basketball.

2) Related to number 1, one solitary piece of good news for liberals, and I mean only 1, is that Title 9 is clearly safe in the oversized basketball hands of Judge Coach K Kavanaugh.

3) The second Kavanaugh Rule of Confirmation Hearings is never, ever, no matter what, answer hypothetical questions unless they are asked by members of your own political party or include the word Chevron.

4) Senator Chuck Grassley is an expert on the John Roberts Rules of Parliamentary Procedure mostly because he was a member of the first Parliament.

5) Kavanaugh is open-minded about cameras at the Court only because he has not yet been confirmed and not yet been vaporized by the "once you are on the Court you think of technology solely in terms of pneumatic tubes" Supreme Court Anti-Technology Spray.

6) Although Kavanaugh worked for President Bush for like 100 years during some of the most difficult years any President has ever faced post 9-11, where hard constitutional issues were faced and discussed every day, no one is ever allowed to see even a single document from that time for the serious legal reason that obviously if we did he would never be confirmed.

7) Coach K Kavanaugh will play basketball on the highest "court in the land" because .....well really nobody cares.

8) Related to number 6, we learned that President George W. Bush "woke up every morning for his entire term thinking it was September 12" just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, and then W went back to bed and told Cheney to manage things. This actually explains an awful lot.

9) As Mike wrote this morning, Kavanaugh wants us all to think that Precedent on Precedent is the new Precedent and that Super Precedent has retired her sneakers, but Kavanaugh's Precedent on Precedent is actually a pale imitation of Super Precedent, much less Super-Duper Precedent, much less ...oh what the Hell, of course he is going to overrule or gut Roe v, Wade as explained fully in No. 10.

10) Kavanaugh said he agreed with the landmark decision Griswold v. Connecticut, which overturned a law forbidding the use of any contraceptives and for the first time found a robust constitutional right to privacy which would become the basis for the Court's now well-settled precedent on precedent decision in Roe v. Wade, except for the small matter that what Coach K Kavanugh who loves girls' basketball actually said was he only agreed with Justice White's concurring opinion in Griswold, which strongly suggested that Connecticut could bar non-married people from using contraceptives, and which did not rely on the right to privacy, which was convenient for Justice White, who went on to write a strong and bitter dissent in Roe, and then went on to write one of the most disgusting (and now overruled) opinions in Court history denying that gays and lesbians have a right to engage in private, consensual sex, all of which basically means we all know where Kavanaugh stands on these issues.....and it is no where near on the side of women. He plays for the other team.