by Michael Dorf
Corey Lewandowski: Campaign Manager
Donald J. Trump: Former Buffoon; Current Dangerous Racist Demagogue
Nameless aide: Not a speaking part
Scene: Inside a preposterously opulent hotel suite.
DJT: Corey! Corey! Try one of these sausages. They're the best. Uhm, when I'm president we'll hire the chef at this place. He's a genius. What is this stuffed with? Veal? Lamb? Golden Retriever puppy? It's awesome. So tender! Wow. Just wow.
CL: Sir, I need to talk to you about the Cruz tweets.
DJT: I thought we did that already.
CL: We did, sir, but he didn't take the bait. He's now leading us by 10 points in Iowa.
DJT: Those people are idiots! I'm much better looking than that sweaty Canadian.
CL: That's true, sir, but apparently the idea that you have the wrong temperament for the White House is starting to resonate with the voters.
DJT: What? What the hell gave them that idea? The people who run this campaign are idiots! You're fired. [To no one in particular]: Someone get me Roger on the phone. Tell him he can come back. [An aide hands a phone to DJT]. Roger? Yeah, it's me. Listen, I just fired that idiot Lewandowski. You want your old job back? Before you answer, let me sweeten the deal. After we win, you can be Secretary of . . . what is the one where you travel a lot? . . . State, yeah . . . you can be Secretary of State. Hello? Hello? [DJT throws phone against the wall.] What a moron. Hey Corey, come back here. You're rehired.
CL: Thank you sir. Now about the tweets. So far Cruz has been able to use you to his advantage. He parrots most of what you say, figuring that he looks reasonable by comparison. He's hoping that you'll fade and he'll get your followers. That's why we need to get him to attack you, to turn them off to Cruz.
DJT: I don't fade! I don't [expletive] fade! Where's Ivanka? She'll tell you whether I fade. Wait. Did I say Ivanka? Heh heh, I meant Melania. [Smirks.]
CL: No, sir. You don't fade. But we do need a strategy for provoking Cruz.
DJT: Let's give him the Ben Carson treatment. You saw what happened to his numbers when I made fun of that crazy belt buckle story. How hard can it be to ridicule a guy who thinks that the central message of Green Eggs and Ham is "don't try anything new"?
CL: About that, sir. We did some field research and it seems that most of your target demographic is unfamiliar with the oeuvre of Dr. Seuss.
DJT: So what should we hit him with? How about I just mock his appearance? He sure sweats a lot.
CL: Are you sure you're not thinking of Marco Rubio?
DJT: Wait, which one is the Cuban?
CL: Both, sir.
DJT: Both? Both?? And that's not even counting Jeb with his Mexican wife. What the hell is going on in this country? This is supposed to be the REPUBLICAN primary. They should SPEAK ENGLISH. S-P-E-A-K E-N-G-L-I-S-H. All right, how about we just hammer Cruz on not being a real Protestant? He was born Catholic, right? So he starts off Catholic. Now he's a Baptist. Let's tweet that he'll probably become a Muslim next.
CL: Sir, you're a genius.
DJT: Tell me something I don't know.