The Year of the Terrible
By Eric Segall
The Year of the Terrible started on January 20th when the newly elected President of the United States gave his inauguration speech to the largest, most devoted crowd in the history of inauguration speeches. During that speech, he made clear what kind of role model and world leader he was going to be by proudly proclaiming “From this moment on, it's going to be America First…. We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American.” Of course, while Trump was speaking, his National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was allegedly on the phone texting a comrade that a joint nuclear power project with Russia was “good to go.” The melding of the Kremlin and the White House was off to a very good start.
The Year of the Terrible continued as Trump started to name his inner circle of top and most trusted advisors. Three of those folks, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Press Secretary Sean Spicer McCarthy, and Steve Bannon are no longer serving in any official capacity. But no worries, they have been replaced with General Kelly, Sarah Huckleberry Jam Sanders, and an unnamed Russian Counselor who will be identified after impeachment. Meanwhile, Trump filled his Cabinet with experts such as Ben Carson whose expertise in housing policy derives from his many years working as a brain surgeon, and former Governor of Texas Rick Perry as the Secretary of Energy in honor of his faux academic glasses that serve the same purposes for Perry as the diploma did for the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.
The Year of the Terrible moved on as Trump’s new Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III had to recuse himself from the Russian investigation because he never, not once, not ever, had met a Russian. Meanwhile, just one day after Trump fired FBI Director James (throw the election to Trump at the last minute) Comey, the President had a top secret, incredibly important meeting in the Oval Office with two top Russian Officials to discuss high level America first matters. Of course, pursuant to long standard procedures, only the Russian media, not the US media, were allowed to take pictures of the meeting.
While Trump was working hard on his Russia First policy, there were serious goings on over at the Anthony Kennedy Supreme Court Building. Making good on a campaign promise to only appoint judges who say they are originalists but really aren’t, Trump nominated Neil Gory Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. During his confirmation hearings, Gorsuch proudly defended his dissenting vote in a case where two other judges felt a truck driver was legally justified leaving his rig behind in a blizzard because the alternative was death. Pro-life Gory thought death would have been preferable.
In other Supreme Court news, the Notorious RBG continued her Olympic level exercise routine, hoping to stay in shape long enough to retire under President Mark Cuban. And, the Justices decided to hear numerous society changing cases such as whether the GOP can continue to gerrymander Democrats out of existence, and whether a Colorado Baker can put a sign in his window saying “No wedding cakes for gay people.” We know two things for certain about all this: Kennedy will reign supreme (which is actually a good thing), and Gory will vote in favor of the Baker, but might put a copy of the “no wedding cakes for gays” sign on his office door as a fun remembrance of his first year on the Anthony Kennedy Supreme Court.
The Year of the Terrible moved on with much stress caused by North Korea firing missiles in every direction, showing that their fearless Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un might someday aim said missiles at Toledo, Ohio. This caused much consternation in the White House, so President Trump decided to respond diplomatically by calling the Supreme Leader “Little Rocket Man,” which in turn led the Supreme Leader to respond that Trump is a “Dotard” and a “Frightened Dog.” Those insults might offend you as a patriotic American but did you know that “Dotard” means someone in “a state or period of senile decay marked by decline of mental poise and alertness." Perhaps Kim Jong Un is not so batty after all. After being called a “Dotard,” the President took the polite and obviously poised move of threatening “to totally destroy North Korea.”
The Year of the Terrible back home was moving along with some news not directly related to Trump. Every day there were new revelations about rich, powerful men harassing, fondling and threatening women. These reports included actors, producers, television icons, and even liberal pro-women’s’ rights (but still yucky) politicians. The news isn’t all bad because with the outing of these awful harassers, hopefully our society will become less misogynous and our men less monster-like. In related news, it appears that the Senate will soon be graced by a man who dated teenage girls on a regular basis, and the White House remains occupied by someone who said in the quote of the last two years (excluding sentences with the word “Dotard in them) that when he meets beautiful women he feels able to “grab them by the pu**y… when you’re a star, you can do anything.” I feel lukewarm about women’s chances.
No Year of the Terrible summary can possibly be complete without addressing the liberal, fake news, obvious hoax called Climate Change. In addition to awful storms flooding America’s fourth biggest city and causing Puerto Rico to lose power for (well still), blazing fires caused much suffering in both Northern and Southern California. But no fear, the Trump Administration is not going to fall for this hoax and has appointed as its chief Environmental Officer Scott (no tree left behind) Pruitt. In an interview, he made the American people feel much better by “I think that measuring with precision human activity on the climate is something very challenging to do and there’s tremendous disagreement about the degree of impact, so no, I would not agree that it’s a primary contributor to the global warming that we see.” Sadly, due to power outages caused by floods, storms, and fires, many Americans could not read Pruitt’s statement. Those who did have power were lucky enough to see Trump hurl rolls of paper towels halftime-t-shirt-cannon-style at stunned Puerto Ricans while minimizing the devastating effects and human loss of the hurricane, a boast that, in light of the actual facts, dwarfed his Inauguration Day false headcount statistics.
So, the Year of the Terrible is about to end among lingering questions such as will Robert “Serious Face” Mueller, that liberal, commie, Independent Prosecutor who was appointed by W and is a Republican, be able to prove that Donald Trump is Vladimir Putin’s long-lost brother? Will Roy “Twice Thrown Out of Office” Moore become the Confederacy’s next Senator? Stay tuned because there is no way 2018 can be as terrible as 2017. Really. No way. But even if it is worse, don’t worry about it because the new Secretary of Public News Sean “Hate the Truth” Hannity won’t let me write about it.