Friday, December 11, 2020

New State of Dorf on Law v. Donald J. Trump

 By Eric Segall

In light of a real brief filed in the real lawsuit of Texas v. Georgia, et. al., on behalf of the States of New California and New Nevada, the New State of Dorf on Law has filed its own lawsuit in the federal district court of New York. Here is the complaint:

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The State of Dorf on Law (“Plaintiff”) hereby files the following lawsuit against the President of the United States Donald J. Trump in his official capacity:

Count I: Said President has used his office to abuse social media in ways causing intentional infliction of emotional distress to people residing in all fifty real states and the imaginary states of New Nevada and New California. Plaintiff hereby requests class action relief under Rule 19 of the Imaginary Rules of Federal Civil Procedure. 

Count II: Said President deliberately withheld needed medical care from over 300,000,000 Americans thereby violating Article 12 of the New Constitution prohibiting "deliberate indifference to a world-wide pandemic by the President of the United States."

Count III: Said President has attempted to coerce state election officials to disregard millions of legal votes in violation of Article 13 of the New United States Constitution which prohibits any Executive Branch Official from using his or her office to "interfere in both real and imaginary state election processes." 

Count IV: Said President held numerous secret and unrecorded conversations with his friend and ally President Putin of Russia (or perhaps of the now-imaginary-but-once-too-real Soviet Union), thereby violating Article 14 of the New Constitution prohibiting "conversations between the President and other world leaders without at least one other person present."

Count V: Said President has used his office to secure profits for his personal properties across the globe in violation of Article 15 of the New Constitution prohibiting the President of the United States from "using his position of authority to line his or his families’ pockets with ill-gotten gain."

Count VI: Said President has lied 1,276,345 times while in office, thereby violating Article 16 of the New United States Constitution prohibiting "any Executive Branch Official from continuing in office after telling 1,000,000 lies or more."

Count VII: Said President has placed his immediate family members in positions of unauthorized political responsibility in violation of Article 17 of the New United States Constitution which prohibits "any family member of the President from holding a position of trust and authority under the United States without the advice and consent of the New United States Senate comprised of Senators from both real and imaginary states."

Count VIII: Said President has used a private media corporation to place fake news in front of the American people from 6- 9 am and 8:00-11:00 pm each weekday in violation of Article 18 of the New United States Constitution prohibiting any Executive Branch Official from "seeking direct assistance from any media company without disclosing such direct connection and seeking a license from the New Federal Communications Permission Commission."

Count IX: Said President allowed the Federalist Society to choose all his federal judges thereby violating Article 19 of the New Constitution prohibiting the "off ramping of Executive Branch responsibilities to non-Executive Branch personnel."

Count X: Said President has made the United States of America the laughing stock of the entire planet by simply opening his mouth on a daily basis in violation of Article 1/2 of the New Constitution prohibiting "any Executive Branch Official from holding office if said official is living in an alternate reality."

Plaintiff seeks no damages, compensatory or punitive, but simply an injunction exiling said President to Shawshank Prison for the rest of his natural and imaginary lives.

5 comments:

Frank Willa said...

Thank you

Michael A Livingston said...

I am afraid that this brief violates norms of decency by using Roman numerals (i.e., a well-known pagan entity) rather than Arabic numbers (i.e., those of a decent, God-fearing people) and must thus be rejected without further investigation. Costs assessed against the authors.

hardreaders said...

@Prof. L.
What even makes you think Trump can count that high? I demand proof! Also his fingers are too small to do it on his hands.

I think instead all individual counts should be consolidated into a single, omnibus count. You could even call it Count Chocula. That seems more intellectually accessible for him.

@Prof. S.
My thanks as well! This is an excellent way to kick off the weekend.

Joe said...

"We got a new resident at Shawshank. Some old orange dude. I tried to bet some smokes that he would crack on the first night, but everyone thought it was a sucker bet and no one took it. He tried to get Andy to do his taxes, but the only crook Andy does that for these days is the warden."

James Freiberger said...

This is hilarious -- but I'm really waiting for the DOL article that says "the election shenanigans are finished, you can breathe for a day."